Can't Hide Yo' Wife, Can't Hide Yo' Kids From... Rapture Week!

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It's rapture week and Jesus is coming for you! This Saturday, May 21st is the moment we've all been waiting for: THE RAPTURE! Saved Christians will be swept away, the dead will rise from the ground, and erroneous warnings of impending doom will finally come to an end. ( Impending Doom is also an apocalyptic Christian death metal band. No, really) Oh, and don't forget the looting. There's even a Facebook group dedicated to it: post-rapture looting party.  Although you may not be up on your Christian death metal or looking to find a stereo for the cave you'll be dwelling in, you've probably heard by now that pastor Harold Camping is predicting the return of Jesus on May 21st, 2011. According to Camping it's time to max your credit cards, sell your home, quit your job and make your life a living hell come Sunday the 22nd when the world has undoubtedly not ended.

This isn't the first time some moronic huckster has predicted that Christ Almighty is going to return from the grave, nor will it be the last. Below we've put together some helpful rapture reference material and propaganda from past rapture predictions. We hope it helps explain the "methods" behind the rapture to discerning masses and provides fodder for nut job pastors of the future to spice up their fear mongering. After all, we like to be entertained as much as they like to claim omnipotence.

If perchance all the Christians are whisked away on Saturday, message me. I'll be in Las Vegas and it won't be clear whether the rapture is happening; not too many people around me will be being pulled up into heaven. If while I'm caught up in some debauchery you happen to run into JC, tell him to head to Vegas --  the wine and bread is on me.

HOW DOES ONE KNOW THE RAPTURE IS COMING? IT'S REALLY THIS SIMPLE:

MANY CHRISTIANS BELIEVE THE RAPTURE WILL HAPPEN. BUT IN WHAT SEQUENCE?

PAST PROPAGANDA OF THE ZOMBIE STATE

Kirk Cameron stars in the film based on the books Left Behind. If you're not a Christian and don't believe in the rapture he thinks you should be afraid of a banana.

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Here's a partial list of past end-time prophecy to fit the events of the day.

500 AD Church father Hippolytus predicted the world would end based on his analysis of the dimensions of Noah's Ark.

999 AD When the last change of millennium drew near, masses feared of the 1000 years spoken of in Revelation.

1033 AD When Christ didn't appear in 1000, they figured the years should be calculated from his ascension and not from his birth, again another bust.

1501 AD Christopher Columbus allowed 155 years for all mankind to be converted to Christianity, after which the world would end.

1546 AD Before he died, Martin Luther stated the end of the world is not far off and believed all the signs which are to precede the last days had already appeared.

1835 AD Joseph Smith, father of Mormonism prophesied that the coming of the Lord was near and that 56 years should wind up the scene.

1835 AD Our lot has fallen under the solemn period emphatically designated in Daniel as the time of the end. Archdeacon Browne of England in the "The Last Times" by Joseph A. Seiss, D.D.

1818 William Miller, founder of the Millerite movement predicted the end between 1843 and 1844 but later revised it to late 1844. Similar dates were set for 1848, 1852, 1856, 1874, 1919, 1918 and 1925.

1917 Three dramatic visitations of the Virgin Mary occurred in Fatima, Portugal. The visions warned of the WWII and the end of the world.

1926 Oswald J. Smith wrote in his book "The Antichrist At Hand?" and the Battle of Armageddon must take place before the year 1933.

1970's Hal Lindsey's "The Late Great Planet Earth" cites 1948 as the prohetic sign and the world would end in 1988.

1978 Gary Wilburn and Salem Kirbam predict end of world and coming of Anti-Christ.

1978 Chuch Smith writes in his book "Future Survival" the Lord is coming in 1981.

1988 Edgar C. Whisenant, a retired NASA rocket engineer and prophecy teacher, sold 4.5 million copies of "88 Reasons Why The Rapture Will Be in 1988." Then wrote a book similar title by 89 reasons in 1989.

1990 Dallas Seminary President John F. Walvoored releases book, "Armageddon, Oil and the Middle East." It paid off during the Iraq war but when the war was over so were the sales.

1991 Charles dyer book "The Rise of Babylon Sign of The End Times" states Iraq's Saddam Hussein was rebuilding the ancient city of Babylon whose end-time destruction is prophesied in Revelation.

1993 Harold Camping predicted the end of the world In September 1994 and appeared on Larry King Live.