New Blog: Asshole With a Keyboard

asshole with keyboard

No, no, thank you. I actually already subscribe to "The Watchtower" and I'm quite happy with my belief system.

Beginnings,

To my wife and mother, who will I'm sure compliment me on starting a blog, even if  I had just written "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for a hundred or so characters, Welcome. To all the other listless perverts, cohorts and would be seekers and dreamers: get lost. Or stick around. Whatever. It'll be good for good-for-nothings, inspiration for the unmotivated and profane, vulgar humor for people who know their shit. Haters will hate it. Lovers will hate it. Computers will overheat, records will skip, wolves will howl and bitches will moan. Ok. Got it? Good, lets move on.

This blog WILL try to shed light on/discuss/bastardize/embarrass/rant like a tent preacher on speed about  a few topics below. It WILL NOT: cosign on an apartment for your punk rock ex/pick up your kids from soccer/be your best man/bring turkey to a potluck Thanksgiving/care about your day/drink the last beer. Rest assured.

1. Music- What does the internet need? Another asshole music blog! There aren't enough of them and, just like a 4 year degree, it'll get you PAID. What we'll discuss: A varied and diverse selection of thoughtful compositions vs. DRUUUUUUUG TEXTUUUUUURES.  You'll get 'em both. And you'll either embrace the cornucopia of sonic adventuring or you'll eat shit and die. Unless you wear a furry bear/animal hat. If that's the case, you should already be getting used to the taste of shit.

2. Beer- There are a good many beer blogs on the internet, but not many good ones. I won't do much better. Actually, I'll collapse into a sweaty mess like stair enthusiast Fatty McGee (yep, a Sandler reference. wow) everytime I use the skull muscle on a beer piece. Here's the real deal- there are so few beer blogs talking about what I want to hear (exceptions: The Mad Fermentationist is the best, Embrace the Funk which has slowed down their posts considerably and Funk Factory which is awesome but rarely spreads its thighs open for posts). All the best brewers started "...making beer they wanted to drink but wasn't available." (Those air quotes aren't actually one source/person. That's like a general industry knowledge dealie) So I'm doing the same thing with this blog. It'll be funky, sour, innovative and yeasty. You'll identify the smell of horse blanket better than the stable boy on what used to be a plantation (and is still owned by the same antebellum family).

3. Sport- Nobody is going to like all three facets of this blog. Not even my wife or mother. This'll be the redheaded middle stepchild of the lot. Fine by me if all you wanna do is basketweave and read Mother Jones (Chill. I also read Mother Jones). Very little happens now. This is even more true with sport (yea, not missing an "s", I like to hear my inner monologue as narrated by Hemingway in the act of stalking David Attenborough, the most dangerous game of all… ) Tangents aside, very little happens now. It's been happening for a long time but we're just seeing the effects of those cacophonous processes. These effects… umm, effect things? and then flutter out into the future aether to collide with other things and so on and so forth until the universe stops expanding, starts to contract, contracts and finally closes the book on this whole universe thing (#judgementdayisuponus #buygold #praiseJah). So with all that in mind (yikes), I'll be viewing sport(s) through a environmental/cultural/historical/socio-economic perspective. Why is the SEC dominating and the Big Ten (I will never use B1G. NEVER!) sputtering in football? (all your fault, Reagan). Why are the Clippers good now? (The art of "YOU CAN'T BE TERRIBLE FOREVER IN THE PROS" I'm looking at you, Cleveland).  I'll pepper what I need to with stats but, really, I mean c'mon…fuck stats, amiright?

4. META SUBJECT - ohmygodsoundthealarms - The Fans of the topics I'll discuss. Got my Haterade? Check. Sour Mash sponsored glazed over eyes? Check. Slightly perverse enjoyment of voyeurism? Check. Gel haired, beer spilling fist pumpers-beware! Front row dominating, arms folded tight, super current hip dressers- beware! Those sad souls watching their real lives through pixels on a smart screen- beware! (and cry). Why? Cuz you are the reason decent folks don't come out anymore (and you kill my buzz, dick). Seriously, nice people are still intimidated by a bar shows, games, fests etc. because of assholes with poor boundaries (not keyboards). If you didn't know your teams starting lineup last year (my god is that bar low), you are not a fan. If you can only recite your teams strengths and have zero relativity, you are not a fan of the game, but a fan of laundry (hat tip: Billy Crystal). If you are afraid of fermentation frontier, don't talk to me about beer (or some subpar regional brewery) for your mother's womb is too safe. Fans know fans. Curious souls recognize it in one another. So come with me into the light. I'll be the one with granny shades on.

In closing, just like old hand drawn, cartographic like pirate maps, this is the crazy "turn back or ye will cease to walk this mortal coil" moment. Still here, land lovers? Ok, then. My grammar is bad and my teeth worse, but who cares? This fuckin' guy right here is just some asshole with a keyboard anyway.

 

Dave DeAngelo is a misanthrope and a scoundrel with a penchant for laughing at the world around him. When he isn't rescuing kittens, he is co-owner of Binary Ape Fermenting Company, brewing subversive libations and procuring adventurous confabulation in Seattle.